“Let’s talk about coffee. Herbal tea is okay if your name is Dandelion and your wardrobe is made of hemp and you have tiny colorful songbirds who fly from room to room and you write haiku but not here in Michigan. It’s summer. Stay awake for it. If you’re depressed in Michigan, it’s because you’re drinking herbal tea. Stop that. All you need is more coffee.”—
The beginnings of the American Revolution, simplified
BRITISH EMPIRE:All right, fine, your stupid embargo worked. We won’t levy any more taxes-
AMERICAN COLONIES:Huzzah! Time to get drunk!
BRITISH EMPIRE:Except on tea.
BRITISH EMPIRE:Get over it, it’s just tea. Seriously, where do you get this idea that you’re special and should never have to pay taxes? We hope that idea doesn’t go on to infect your political discourse centuries from now.
AMERICAN COLONIES:We’re not buying your stupid tea.
BRITISH EMPIRE:Are you being serious right now? What are you going to do, just stop drinking tea?
AMERICAN COLONIES:Yes. We’ll drink coffee.
BRITISH EMPIRE:Do you even know what that is?
AMERICAN COLONIES:No, but we’ve heard it’s good and we’re feeling surly.
BRITISH EMPIRE:Fine, whatever, we don’t even care what you do anymore.
BRITISH EAST INDIA COMPANY:Actually, we are pretty much bankrupt, so you need to make them drink the tea.
BRITISH EMPIRE:Oh, for—just drink the tea.
BRITISH EMPIRE:Do it.
BRITISH EMPIRE:Drink it.
AMERICAN COLONIES:Fuck you.
BRITISH EMPIRE:Drink it or we’ll punch you in the face.
AMERICAN COLONIES:*Boston Tea Party*
BRITISH EMPIRE:What the hell?
AMERICAN COLONIES:We heard it was Indians.
BRITISH EMPIRE:That’s interesting, because we heard it was a bunch of colonists wearing paint and dressed in costumes that were remarkably similar to what a crowd of drunks who wanted to look like Indians would assemble if the only supplies they had were found in an alley behind a bar.